29 - it's not normally a milestone birthday that people fear, however, with less than 20 days left before I turn 29, I am having a little bit of a meltdown about it. When I say little bit, what I actually mean is pretty fucking major.
The problem is I'm not really sure why. I'm not unhappy with where I am in life, sure, there are day when I would change a few things but generally I'm pretty happy with my lot - I have a very nice bf, awesome friends and a weird and wonderful family. I've travelled far and wide, studied for a masters, got a job that I enjoy and live in a house I love. I've danced a lot, been to Glastonbury, own a designer handbag and have met David Beckham. When I write it down it all seems pretty sweet so why am I feeling so retched about my upcoming birthday.
The thing is, I kind of feel like I should have done more. Yep, I love my house but I don't own it. Yep, I've been to Australia but that was ten-years ago - don't I need to go again now I'm (supposedly) an adult. Yep, I love my friends but should I have more friends?! Shouldn't every night be an ongoing merry-go-round of trendy bars, overpriced wine and salacious gossip?! To add to this, shouldn't I start to be thinking about having children?! What if I wait too long and then can't have them?! ALL OF THE QUESTIONS.
It basically feels like I'm running out of time to do everything. I'm really grateful that as a generation we've been encouraged to do EVERYTHING, but It kind of would have been easier if people had told us to do some things because, let's face it, the ten years between finishing uni and your early thirties fly by and there are all sorts of things to contend with - shit jobs, working hard to get a job you actually like, being paid peanuts, your friends' busy schedules and London prices to name a few. We literally don't have time to do all of this stuff while we're in our twenties and it can only lead to disappointment.
I'm not remotely scared of turning 30 next year, I know my life be any different, I just kind if felt that my ducks might be more lined up. I know nobodys ducks are really in a straight line, but it's hard to remember that with all the 'stuff' we're meant to be doing.
So, to try and correct these feelings, I'm going to just try and do some things this year. Not 'everything'. No pressure. I'm going to do them properly and I'm going to enjoy it. No I don't need more friends - I hardly have time to see the ones I have. No I don't need to urgently revist Australia, I have my whole life for that. And the buying a house thing? I live in London - failing a lottery win I reckon I'll still be stressing about that one as I'm about to turn 39 too.