We’re obviously not bezzies with ALL of our Facebook friends (how can we be when most of our time is split between work, real friends and Netflix), but, for one reason or another, we are often stuck THOSE friends who you can’t delete but who seriously drive you mental. Here are our top offenders:
The drama ‘avoider’:
This one is the WORST. Probably someone you went to school with or maybe a younger cousin - the ones who upload a hugely dramatic but vague status and then refuse to elaborate on Facebook because they don’t want to seem dramatic. For example:
“Can’t believe I’ve been stupid enough to let this happen again. Well, I’ve learnt my lesson and you can be sure this is the last time. I’m worth more than this and I’m not going to stand for it EVER again.”
Response from one of their Facebook friends:
“Everything ok hun? Here if you need anything xxx”
Reaction from the drama avoider:
“Thanks hun, don’t want it all over Facebook. I’ll message you xxx”
The sentimental relative:
You know the ones, normally somebody a bit older, possibly even your mum - the ones who share those god awful ‘Share if you think you’re children are perfect’, ‘My children are always in my heart’ vomit-inducing type posts. WELL I SHOULD BLOODY HOPE SO, MOTHER, we did not need Facebook to help us discover this.
The wannabe reality star:
You can spot this one by the profile picture - long, glossy hair, some kind of bandage dress with ridiculous heels, airbrushed-effect make up, hand on hip, slight pout and standing in front of a full length mirror. Thier album of profile pictures is full of similar shots and their timeline is filled with bedtime selfies, bikini shots and photos of them with a ‘d’ list footballer.
Probably another one you can’t delete because they’re mates with your siblings or they’re mates with your bezzie’s boyfriend. Their profile pic is normally them downing a pint, doing shots with fellow lads or a group shot of a stag do where they’re all wearing mankinis. Their timeline is full of images from mental nights out, bitching about ‘crazy’ women, petitions to get Jeremy Clarkson back on TV and, their fave, The Lad Bible. Total LOLs. You can smell the Paco Rabanne ‘Million’ from here.
Different from ‘The Lad’, this guy wants you to know that he’s winning at life. His profile pic is probably him with his glossy-haired girlfriend in an exotic location. He documents their lavish life and the expensive gifts he buys her, signing off with a cheeky ‘love you baby’, checks in at ALL the impressive locations and uses his status to basically let you know that he’s doing everything you wish you were.
“Totally loving life in Dubai with my gorgeous lady. Amazing meal followed by buckets of cocktails and AWESOME views and why not? We deserve it!!” at the Burj Khalifa with Sarah Taylor”
Party mum is a completely different kettle of fish to the usual, ‘my baby is the best thing in the whole wide world, look at ALL OF THESE SUPER CUTE PICS’ mum. While she obvs loves her babies, she’s keen to show that she’s more than just a mum. She’s the mum whose profile pic is her out with her fellow mum friends, the mum who posts pics of the bottle of wine she’s planning to tuck into when the kids are asleep and the mum who likes to check-in at all the places she visits when she’s found a babysitter for the night.
We’re all for the enthusiasm but, seriously, we can’t really get excited about your average Tuesday no matter how many ‘seize the day, live for the moment’ type statuses they post. Their profile pic is probably them at a temple and their timeline is full of deep and meaningful quotes, along with links to newspaper articles about how capitalism is killing us.
Get me some coffee and talk to me about Ryan Gosling already.
The ‘they’ve got all the good stuff to come’ younger friend:
Ok so this one is mostly because we’re jealous, but all of our friends’ younger siblings/younger relatives’ Facebook profiles are majorly annoying. All of that clear skin, all of those awesome wardrobes and all of the perfectly made up selfies - what happened to those awkward teenage years?! If we had facebook at their age it would be all braces, awful hair and lots of seriously misjudged makeup looks. How did they manage to miss all of this?! Plus they still have that innocence of as time before going to work and paying overinflated rent made you a cynical old human. We miss that.